I marry white culture, white beauty, white whiteness.
When my restless hands caress those white breasts, they grasp white civilization and dignity and make them mine.
This is a quote from a chapter entitled 'The Man of Colour and the White Woman' in Black Skin White Masks, a book by Frantz Fanon. The previous chapter concerns 'The Woman of Colour and the White Man'.
Both of these chapters managed to reach inside my chest and squeeze something tight, not only because these people were my ancestors, but because I have experienced an inferiority complex of a similar degree.
The difference between myself and the black people mentioned, aside from the severity of their internalised racism, is that they appeared to be very aware of it. They knew that they thought white was superior, and they admitted it freely because society preached it so overtly. Sure, there were some cases of denial - mixed race women insisting that they were white, black men being told that because they grew up in France like whites, they were not 'Negro' like Africans. Regardless, the hatred was more prevalent for them. For me? No so much.
From the ages of about 11-22, I didn't want any association with blackness. Merely saying the word 'black' when referring to my race was difficult. As such, my choice of partners was always, and still remains, white (though it's becoming more incidental than intentional). When it was mentioned by my family, I insisted that it had nothing to do with skin colour, I just 'liked who I liked'. That wasn't the whole truth.
White skin was not the only quota that people had to fill to be worthy of my affection, but if someone were to put two people in front of me, one black one white, who had the same personality that complimented mine, the white person would have to be physically unattractive for me to choose the black person (and even then, I'd probably still go for the white person).
Let me reiterate: a mediocre-looking white person would have been more appealing to me than a physically average, maybe even attractive (though I would always dismiss any attraction I felt to them), black person. This is how much I was captivated by the white culture around me.
Yeah.
I am more self-reflective/-critical now than I have ever been, but I have never admitted my 'preferences' like this until now because it is so obviously racist, and no-one likes to be called - or thought of as - racist. I talk about preferences for certain races in a recent article actually, which made me re-consider my past attitudes to the people I dated.
One thing that struck me when reading Black Skin White Masks were the black women who wanted a white man to feel accepted, like it was some sort of initiation test that they needed to pass in order to qualify as human ('human' meaning 'civilised', meaning 'white', according to the book). Now, I have never thought of it this way but it wouldn't surprise me if that was what influenced me, too.
Where I'm at now?
I am proud to be black, and I no longer shy to say that I am a black woman. What's a shame is that I don't actually know very much about my history as I think I should, but I'm gaining more insight into my past almost daily since my dissertation topic is black people in a white society!
I like learning about the history of black people and racism, combating current racist ideology, and doing as much as I can to feel confident in this skin. I think this all came about from spending time on Tumblr and seeing all of the self-love coming from certain blogs, especially ones that emphasised black beauty in its many forms (dark/light skinned, a range of sizes etc).
Yes, I still have some personal issues and thought processes regarding how I see black people, but it's in no way as bad as it used to be, which is definite progress.
What I need to keep reminding myself is that not everyone who is black will look or act a certain way, so avoiding them or saying I won't date them is foolish, misguided, and, above all, racist.
Even though I'm feeling increasingly comfortable with my (white) boyfriend right now, it doesn't mean that I don't need to bother with thinking progressively about the issue, because thoughts like that are toxins that need to be flushed out of my system.
I'll probably be writing more posts regarding insecurities and confessions because getting stuff out in the open like this helps me to evolve as person. I've had some depressing thoughts about myself and others that I like to air out by confronting directly. Not only does it help me, it helps others too!
Admitting your faults is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of progression and inner strength!
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